a note to my daughter

dear my darling
although things have not been easy
you still smiling
you still laughing
you remain cheerful
you are always wonderful
and you are my little helper
my storyteller
painting our memory with wonderful stories
with your honest and innocent belief
and those remind me to always be appreciative

dear my darling
you can be a little rascal
you can be defiant, stubborn
testing our patience
and it feels like ugh!
I feel angry and miffed
and then you become our baby again
looking at us, trying to say sorry
coming to us, hugging us, sobbing
and those remind me that you are still learning

dear my darling
I feel like I have been robbing your childhood
and that brings me misery
and when I say I am sorry
for being unable to do so many things
you always say don't worry
because this is temporary
oh, how much you have grown!
I feel old
and your mind has become mature
and for that I should be grateful
although this is hard, you are still jolly
always bubbly and cheery
and those remind me that I am lucky

dear my darling
live this life a day by day
worry less what will happen after today
think less about yesterday
allow yourself for sadness
for that you appreciate your happiness
acknowledge your fear
for that you know how to be courageous
allow yourself to feel bad
for that you enjoy the taste of pleasure
acknowledge your confusion
for that you know what is confidence
allow yourself to feel weak
for that you know how does strength feel
allow yourself for failure
for that you cherish your triumph
and my darling daughter
always remember
never lose your faith, ever.

aisyar.

redefining life

I thought 2017 was difficult enough. 2018 was more difficult for me, for my husband, and for our daughter. That was the most difficult year for us.

I have been in the lowest point of my life. There was a time that I thought I lost it all. All hopes and dreams shattered into pieces, turning into ashes. My husband did everything in his power to bring back my sanity.

I found the light and held onto it, rebuilding the hopes and dreams. I survived. That was the bravest thing that I have ever done. I survived. The toughest moment in my life. He felt the same thing too, I think.

I learned things and people that matter to me. I learned that "I will be there" is an overstatement. People say that maybe because they care but people can't always be there. They have their lives too. They have their struggles too. I learned to suck it up. I learned what does it mean by "put your trust only to Allah". Allah stays, people don't.

I wish 2019 is a better year for us. I wish for my fullest recovery. I wish for more blessings from Allah.

Still, 2018 was a good year. I learned to say no firmly, I learned to leave people who bring nothing but toxic in my life, I learned to respect myself more. I learned a lot. 

Good bye, 2018!